Welcome to the third (and last) part of the tutorial of how building a bad app. After we’ve building a bad app in the first part, and remarkably ruin its look and feel in the second part, we’re now going to go over on 10 steps to easily how to kill your product:
#1: Add as many features as possible
The first and my favorite- fill your backlog with everything you can think of that every one of your users might use in any time of the future. Fill your app with tons of functionalities (and let the poor designer figure it out how to squeeze it all to a single screen), because as we all know- the more options your users will have, the more freedom they will have to do things with your app (not).
#2: Listen to every single feedback and implement it
Worrying that you implemented all your 492 items from your backlog and the ideas are about to run out? Go over all the store reviews, search some feedbacks in twitter and check all the posts in your beta group. Users are very demanding creatures and probably will keep whining about all those features that your app absolutely garbage without, yes even if it isn’t the core of the app or they can do it easily with other apps.
#3: Trust you instincts, no A/B testing or data analysing
Because you are the PM and you know what your users want, and this should CTA button should absolutely be green. Or red. Whatever.
Bonus points: change your opinion regularly and randomly.
#4: Add all possible login platforms
Everyone using Facebook, so it kind of a must, also adding Twitter and Instagram- to make thinks more viral, and Google of course, and Flicker and Yahoo just in case, and you must also put the plain email and password for those who live in Mars or something.
#5: Support the oldest android version
Because why not? you’re not the one the writing the code. And every user count! also those 0.8% of the users that still using 2.2, although those devices are so weak that your 42MB app probably can’t even run on them.
#6: Don’t translate your app
Because you targeting only for US and you’re ok of not growing, and no one else will use it.
Bonus points: if you do decide to translate your app- use a low pricing translate service so your translation will look really funny for non English users.
#7: Treat all your users the same
In addition to the previous one- all my users understand English and prefer paying with PayPal, and they love to take a lot of pictures and they have Gmail account and they understand that green is positive and red in negative. Basically all your users are you.
#8: Keep asking your users to rate your app
Reviews are crucial to your app listing and you MUST make your users leave a good ratings and review for your app in the store. Try to do anything to make them do so- prompting a “rate us” widget in the app every time they are doing something (also after failed actions), send them a weekly email with a rating request, hell- even put it after intro, before they even used the app, everything goes.
#9: Use cheap campaigns to buy users
Users drive more users, before app start to be viral it should start with some core users, so what if those are not a real users and they actually do nothing, the numbers are growing and eventually this will catch.
#1o: Put lots of ads
Last but not least, your app should make some money (I think), you can think of adding a value that users will find it useful and will want to pay for it, but it’s too complicate. Ads is the easiest way to make money in the apps world (and to piss of your users).
That’s it, by now you should be ably to easily assemble a one hell of an App that will quickly burry in the big cemetery of the apps.
As always- got some more suggestions for ways to make your app worse? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!